LET YOUR SOUL SHINE SO BRIGHT THAT IT PURIFIES YOU WITH IT'S
BURNING!
Fighting back the hot tears, and hard lump in my throat,
I remember a
time when I would have welcomed these tears that I right now felt so childish for succumbing to.
It was a time I was so impossibly numb that I couldn't cry even when I tried
to,
I had wondered if it was good or bad,
Was I hardened?
Or had I lost my
spirit?
Definitely the latter,
I remember well when my caged spirit escaped.
Though, I couldn't figure out how or when it had become caged.
One day I felt like something was missing and I couldn't figure out what,
I realized that it wasn't so much as missing, as this FEELING about a LACK OF FEELING.
If that makes any sense, not just that I was numb, numb to the deaths I witnessed, numb to the lives I witnessed, all of it. What's more, I wasn't just numb, I was standing on the edge of a black hole that threatened my very existence, if I didn't do something.
It was a dark emptiness, A dark,
soul quenching emptiness,
later I would learn is a dark night of the soul,
and
am currently coming out of one.
This one, the first, started, not with the ansgt or turmoil
of the soul; but passively exploring that numbness... realizing how emotionless and unthinking I
truly was. And 'seeing' (more like becoming aware of the)the Chasm of a black hole within my being, and I was standing on the event horizon realizing how close I was to being lost forever.
what's worse is that I couldn't place how long I had been like that....
Years?
A decade?
Once the absence of presence was sensed,
I went about searching,
for IT; whatever it was.
At first; I thought that it was the Holy Spirit that I was lacking.
But I
found the Holy Spirit alongside me, though it would not come within. No this
absence was my selfsame spirit or soul. Was I soulless? Could that happen
unknowingly? Could it be a slow letgo that you don't even realize it? I thought
back to how years before I had been experimenting with the Mandela effect and
the ability to change it through prayer and quantum entanglement. I had came
across a couple videos where they were talking about how "ass" was no longer in
the bible replaced by colt. I was blown away and had multiple bibles out. I
realized that this was the key to faith because it wasn't just believing, I KNEW
that it had been ass. Through praying and willing it, they changed back to "ass"
right before my eyes. I ran upstairs to excitedly tell my husband at the time.
Waking up, he seemed rather unimpressed. So I showed him the videos as proof,
they all had a glitch right in the spot where they had said that 'ass' wasn't in
the bible. While admittedly it was strange that they glitched and the times
didn't match up, it wasn't evidence to anyone except for me, to me it was huge.
Now years later on my search for my soul, I came across the part in Revelations
something like if anyone should think to change one tittle, it would be better
for if they had never been born. I thought could this havesealed my fate?
I'm sure plenty of people have lost their soul
over a piece of ass, but I would have to be the stupidest jackass on the
planet to have lost my eternal soul over the word "ass".
(Later what I would do
spurned by loneliness and the search for truth, I might have endangered my soul
or opened the door to demons over just as spectacular though almost more assinine reasons.)
I thought that if there was a God in heaven, he would provide
a path for me if I asked for it. I wasn't really familiar with the idea of
gnosis. I started searching for the path to reclaim my soul.
It
began with my being inordinately attracted to blue roses getting every blue rose
thing that I could. Feeling drawn into the depths of some, like it was calling
me, I had never experienced anything like this except for when I was 17 and was
drawing the design for my tattoo, a blue rose, a cross and crown of thorns, I
sat up manically all night drawing it in pen on the transfer paper, not once
feeling like I had made a mistake (though that same energy didn't transfer over
to the lousy tattoo artist). I also realized that I had been given a lot of blue
rose things over the years... I began having dreams about stained glass and
crosses and blue roses... I looked it up and came across a lot of stuff about
the death of the ego on the cross and the blue rose of consciousness... And the
order of the Rosey Cross and Rosicrucianism. That's funny, I HAD came across
Rosicrucianism a number of times in places like the Secret Sun. I wondered why I
never equated my tattoo with Rosicrucianism... I'd been on a lifelong search
through conspiracies and secret societies, yet I was always focused on following
the money and connecting the dots between the people involved the concrete
evidence, that seemed too often to disappear, stolen, lost unable to retrieve
under strange circumstances... Makes more sense now in light of what I've found
out about some people in my life.
I realized that I had always rather glossed
over the occultic and esoteric mysteries, while I found them interesting, I
hadn't delved in, as there wasn't something that drove me like the passion I
feel for exposing crimes.
I began my search in earnest for my soul this time
grabbing up all the materials I could, THAT'S WHEN THINGS GOT WEIRD. It started
with feelings, synchronicities, and dreams... I would feel weird urges to do
certain things then see all the synchronicities and gno that I was on the right
path doing the right thing. But it continually had a tricksterish quality to it,
I felt like I was going to be able to see the point of why the sychronicities,
what I was following. Later looking back what I perceived as wild goose chases
then, being disappointed that they didn't seem to result in ANYTHING, I was
given an explanation for it later in a dream, THESE WERE RITUALS. I knew not
why, later I would be walked through rituals in my dreams that were explained to
me and they showed me through dream logic, what the purpose was, I would only
completely follow though with the rituals later if I agreed with all the means
and ends I have changed them slightly at times, when I can see a fork I try to
go where I see the greater good.
To explain what I mean about the tricksterish
quality for instance, one, I suddenly mid-afternoon felt an extremely strong
urge to take a walk, I felt very purposeful, though I didn't know why, I felt
like it had meaning
in dreams I was guided
through how each thing in life can be quantumly tagged and you can affect
quantum fields through assigning meaning and intentions with spirits...I don't
know, I just picked out a certain dress with a certain tag and certain shoes
etc. And felt like a hidden part of me chose those certain ones with meaning and
intentions and knew what was coming next, through the next few days, but that I
consciously wasn't aware of it.
That's a memory within me,
quantumly entangled?
If I now assign meaning to and intentions, am I now that unaware part of myself?
Have I done a form of time travel?
Can I change time by changing that memory?
Unprovable, there wasn't anyone else in physical form around me.
Yet I walked a couple miles to the middle of nowhere and walked exactly to a bucket randomly
where I was lead to step for step by the story of Jacob in the bible... only an
impossible coincidence, I didn't tell anyone where I was going or why or
ANYTHING I hadn't received any messages from anyone in fact around that time I
was avoiding technology.
I brought back my bucket as proof, if only to me that an
unseen, unheard force that I could blindly feel like the blind leading the blind
could lead me to exactly what it wanted me to.
I ended up losing my bucket after
a while,
but hey, better than kicking the bucket! Am I right?
Anywho, I went about
looking into how I might be able to contact these forces and how could I gird
myself (though I failed for the sake of love) with knowledge so that I might be
able to morally or ethically contact these forces.
THEN THINGS GOT REALLY
WEIRD...
Wait, where er you going?
I'm not crazy I swear!
,
Bbbut, seriously?
When there's men out there chopping off their
balls, literally, to become women and they're NOT crazy?
Wait... You're still leaving? Why?
What's that?... If I'm not crazy I'm evil?
I'm hurt.
You haven't even heard my
theories... The scientific links? My poetry? Eroti- No that's private. I'm not
evil though!
Witch woman?
I lean more towards this:
Ohh you said 'get away from me before I burn you
witch woman'?
Damn... Oh :(.....OH by all means let's burn the witches! Witches love
ritual and sacrifice and burning;)
https://youtu.be/Z0dA3h05EBQ
Ooohh now my
tattoo is BURNING BAD... I think I'll take a break...
Or maybe I'm programmed
my other working theory, plenty of evidence for it, maybe it's technology and/or
frequencies, I've got lots of research on that, I've come to the conclusion that
it's a blend of aspects of all of the above YOU MUST LOOK all my research and
evidence....
OK we're carting her off now before she tries pushing her flat earth
evidence and that scorpion on her back under the cross is on FIRE.
At least I'm a more palatable flavor of crazy, not like these crazies that have no taste.
