March 28th the day that my soul told me that I would provide answers and a truth. As Khalil Gibran put it: "Say not that you have found THE TRUTH but that you have found A TRUTH, one of many"...My particular truth starts with the search for truth, or THE ULTIMATE TRUTH as I was told.
My dad led a very interesting life. I'm still finding out just how interesting. All growing up it was my favorite pastime to listen to his oral history. It went from stories of our family and our history, to his own life. With that came blocked memories that came from involvement in things so secretive that they would use any means necessary including hypnosis and drugging to keep secrets. But in so many of these stories the lines between the good guys and the bad guys blur and I'm not sure that he always knew. Sometimes he would talk about The Doctor with a mixture of pride respect and love, (French has a better word for it but I can't seem to spit it out.)
Then he would talk about the methods with such distain and a roiling will to fight them. But he was full of those types of duality. His secrets and duality I could handle because he always explained his moral or ethical reasoning behind his actions. I had seen his moral compass and I trusted it. My dad was a chameleon, he had an extensive list of groups that he talked about and a few of the stories I was left to guess which group was involved. One that I held on to was when he said "We were tasked with finding the ultimate truth, I found it to be Jesus Christ and the soul." But he never fully clarified who tasked them with this, though other things he said sounded a lot like MEN WHO STARE AT GOATS.
For most of my life I wanted to belong to something like that, bridging the spiritual and science etc. I eventually gave up feeling like my life was half washed up. But there were also shadowy dark groups.
Throughout the years he would say things that seemed disjointed, until later I got confirmation of it that dropped puzzle pieces in. "They have to use someone that you trust completely" "It works off of trauma," "I already had trauma" "One reason I won't answer the phone is that I could answer it and someone on the other end says something. The next thing I know it's three days later, I'm in another city."
I knew that the group that he was most afraid of, once when he was in the hospital almost dying, he believed that they were after him, he broke through the restraints and ran, that was primal. And the more that I dug into this group I found that it was with good reason.
That's why I thought that there was something off when suddenly he was speaking really highly of them and that I would become part of it. At first when I started to get phone calls with a sign and countersign I was excited feeling like I was a part of something bigger that would make some actual good changes in the world. Boy was I disappointed and enraged when it was not about a search for truth but instead obsfucation. I thought at first I was doing something wrong, the calls weren't leading to anything, maybe they really were just a scam. Then I started to notice my own missing time... Surely this wasn't what this was all building up to. Curiosity and righteous indignation overcame fear and anger. I decided to continue taking them, but try to influence the calls. I found that if I sent out a prayer with as much energy as I could muster behind it, it influenced the call with really strange results. During this time there were all kinds of strange interactions between my family and my ex husband and his family showing me that this was much more endemic than just these calls. My ex husband started dropping snithering remarks about me and the calls alluding to thingst hat made me know that if they were using me in a way that I didn't know about, it was because I wouldn't approve of it. The calls stopped around the time that after having a call with considerable time missing, the next call i didn't say anything aloud but I thundered in my head I AM THE SOUL THAT HAS SOLE DOMINION OVER THIS VESSEL! LEAVE IT YOU HAVE NO CLAIM! After that there was a scrambling around me. Different things to try to do a show of force, and moreover spiritually them trying to show a claim. For instance I had a black car following me everywhere and then circling around and around my house until my neighbors got fed up with it and started throwing rocks at it saying "Go away! We won't take any of your bullshit in this neighborhood!" Thank God for Mexicans, don't fuck with them.
Next came a series of misadventures, from what I could gather is that they were trying to see where my loyalties lie, While at the same time, I was suddenly thrown into some game that was going on on a spiritual level.
Every time that a group was checked off, it seemed like I was getting a death threat from that group. Some of them were really easy to see through, some were about talking to the right people to patch it up, other times it was about rituals. Once the death threat wasn't against me but someone else. That was my proof positive that this wasn't just some kind of paranoia, the sheer panic in him and the lengths that he went through.
Somewhere in there things shifted from them trying to find a group that I was blindly loyal to, to trying to figure out what I believed in and what motivates me. Of course they always start of with the easy ones money power, drugs, sex, security etc. They couldn't get it to stick. By now I didn't trust my husband but he still seemed to hold a strange power over me. At times I felt like I was in a spiritual war with him, at first I wanted
to do anything in my power to save his soul along with mine. Unfortunately it wasn't until much later I realized that in doing this I had reopened myself to claims against me and I could see that he was an empty vessel alternatively inhabited by what could lay claims. To elaborate on this, between dreams, synchronicity and observation I could see that there were spiritual Laws governing dominion over land, and vessels . One instance (among way to many) exemplifies this. One day he asked me innocently enough if his estranged son in NYC would be welcome in our house and he was very exacting and weird about the wording. I told him that it shouldn't even be a question, but he got strangely adamant about getting my consent in a certain way. Then he got up and left. He came back with his clothes changed though I didn't see him bring a change of clothes, he was now wearing a New York shirt and hat. He was speaking in a New York accent cussing every other word and speaking to me with such venom and hatred that it gave me chills. I brought up his ex, the mother of his son, and he immediately called her his 'mom' and started talking about her with a venom that I'd never seen. I started praying and I was led to a synchronicity about New York City Law and dominion that suggested that this was illegitimate. After I read it, he got up and walked out. Then he came back later in his other clothes. This was just too strange to do anything with other than watch my back,... and my front and everything around me. It wasn't until I caught him hypnotizing me that I had something concrete I wouldn't just file away as maybe coincidence.
I started fasting and praying and avoided all technology and started down my path to gnosis. When I felt like I was shown that regardless of all it, there was still a supernatural force for Good that could orchestrate things outside of all this, I came to the understanding that for better or worse, I was spiritually chained to my husband in our marriage and it was a tribulation that I could not get out of, though for a time I held out a stupid hope that I would come out the other side with both our souls. I could even at times see and feel an energy chain on my ankle. It's hard to describe, but my ankle would feel sore and heavy, like I imagine that it would feel if it had a manacle around it. when I would lift my overly heavy foot there was a ghostly shape of the shackle and chain the best I can describe this as looking would be if you had a really shiny chain that had light glinting and sparkling off of it, then had a computer gone in and removed the image of the chain itself, but it left all the glimmers of light. I spent a lot of time laying back, lifting my leg. Willing the chain to break, praying for the chain to break, asking for guidance on how to. Sometimes it would bruise my ankle without me ever touching it. I realized that just as there were unseen spiritual laws governing dominion. There was the spiritual law of marriage governing this and I would not get out of this unless I could figure out how to using these spiritual laws. Some of the spiritual laws I came across through trial and error, some through synchronicity, others I was being told about through dreams of meeting ancient souls, describing to me the nature and laws of the universe. One saying that he was Cain, told me that he was among 24 souls that came originally, he said that they felt duped by both God and Satan. He said "Imagine being told that you could go into a virtual reality game that looks so beautiful and enticing but when you get into you are told that the previous players made mistakes that now changed the rules of the game. Then these new rules make the game impossible and torturous. Curses are laid down that exponentially grow so they become impossible to get out of. Later someone (Jesus) comes along and reprograms the game, but those that came before it have to wait thousands of years in a holding until the end of the game." He was very adamant that he did not feel like the punishment fit the crime because he did not understand the nature of death. He said that they and many angels, demons and spirits were seeking either a way out of the matrix or a new covenant. If possible they wanted to avoid a war though most everyone felt it inevitable from the amount of prophecy. During this time I was also having dreams of seeing counsels of Angels discussing how they would have to carry out prophecy. One dream in particular, The Angels were standing around a giant stone on the shore, discussing how to best handle it. When one swooped in and picked it up saying "This is what you do with a millstone!" and threw it into the sea. Some cheered, others looked worried as great waves came up and the dream ended.
My husband and I came to a kind of truce for a time when I was led to believe that it was about me getting blocked memories and abilities back. And that there was an archonic guard given temporary dominion, and things went from strange, though possibly explainable, to holy hell, the world is NOT what we have been led to believe.
I set about testing things, while also playing along seeing if it really was about helping me, because I desperately wanted, nay felt like I needed this information to survive in the world that I suddenly found myself in.
I started testing my husband, I asjed him about a mix of real and made up memories and he 'remembered' the made up ones even came up with little benign fake details thrown in about the 'memory'.
In all the time that I knew him, he had never gone hunting, suddenly he was always talking about hunting and feeding. I brought it up and he said in an absolutely demonic voice, "Unless you want me to feed on you, I need to hunt" and smiled with his rotten teeth. I took the kids and ran to the safest place that I knew that also seemed to spiritually understand this. She said that I had ran from him a number of times in the past few weeks but that it was usually at night. I had no memory of any of this, (it started making me monitor my mileage and cell location before after sleeping, revealing that even though I was no longer having missing time, I was still operating unknown to me) and later for a time I would forget this day too. I asked her about him. She used parables and videos to explain to me that the safest place still was with him as it was a kind of camouflage for worse forces that were after me and that this wasn't vampires in the sense that we know it, but energy vampires, archons and that some had either sided with humans, were beholden to them in some way, or acted as mercenaries. When I came back he acted much different and told me a parable of an archon guard getting beheaded because he said the wrong thing to someone and she took it as a threat. The drastic change in his behaviors was unnerving yet again. He said that he was my servant and would sleep on the floor like a dog because
he wasn't worthy to sleep in my bed. I had never seen him act or talk like this, though all of what he had said for weeks had been new and weird. I said "Wherever as long as you don't fucking touch me or my children until I figure this out." So for a few days he slept on the floor and acted like a dog. Finally I told him that I'd had enough of this type of gaslighting and that it needed to stop and suddenly he was back to himself so much that I started to dismiss it as some sort of weird joke or test.
It was just a show,
My (ex now thank God) husband would prove to really have power over me, I started to get some of my memories and my spirit back. The implications of what I found out meant that I now needed to protect my children at all costs from him. I got the drop on him and had him pinned down and my hand on his throat and was going for a knife when he laughed and started to say something then I blacked out. I came to hours later laying on the bed confused. He started asking me how much I remembered of what had transpired, which was literally nothing. This was oddly familiar. It reminded me of scenes of what I had gone through with my first husband at 16, that I would come to in blood or urine and he would be standing over me asking what I remembered then coming up with a narrative that I was supposed to believe of what happened. Later I got those memories back of him torturing and raping me then getting me to block the memory and being sweet and romantic. One in particular I had ran and he chased me down and whipped me until I was bleeding. That one had taken an almost daily brainwashing until the wounds healed. But I had left him after only 6 weeks.(on 06/06/06) Now this was my husband of eleven years, sure he had his faults, a lot of them, but he had been my best friend that I shared everything with, How long had this been going on?
"
Living in a state of fear is unsustainable, your body can only handle so much adrenaline until it has to give in and surrender to what it fears. If there is no possible way to fight or run from it. I learned this lesson at a young age. My parents had a friend that would take us and his family in a van to a church some twenty miles, straight shot, away. The fear came when he was driving on the highway. To all our horror and nervous laughter of his family, he would swivel his chair completely around to talk to us. My parents would be telling him to grab the wheel and watch the road. He would say "Oh ye, of little faith, Jesus has the wheel, trust, this is true faith." Week after week we would do this, and we would surrender over to a fear that there was no possible way to fight other than trusting Jesus. As we all relaxed, he would say "See before, you trusted me, a man to drive you and keep you safe, how much greater should we trust God instead?"
With that dismissive laugh like I was a fly, he was showing me that see if wanted you dead you would be. It reminded me of another scene in my memories of a friend of mine that I was training with in self defense after leaving my first husband. She would spar with her husband, but if she came at him in anger, he would laugh like that and instantly have a power over her. Later I would come to the realization that he was deprogramming her. The more she explained about blocked memories coming back and clues and things that have came out later, I realized that she had been in NXIM and had been programmed to believe that she was a sports journalist. At first she was so adamant of having gone to college and being a sports journalist while her husband would laugh at her saying that it never happened and would lead to a fight, it really freaked me out when she later told me that she was having blocked memories come back of being drugged and trafficked to politicans and sports figures. She had realized that he was right, that hadn't happened. I thought between seeing this and my dad's stories and my research that I had pretty well guarded myself but one thing was that I had separated the spiritual aspects of things away from the physical, mental, and technological. The instances of things happening that ONLY have a spiritual explaination. And the aspects of things involving technology and requiring organized efforts.
I realized that I would have to resign to his power over me until I
